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rugbycan.com The ART of RUGBY
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Monday, January 05 2009 @ 10:45 PM MST
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The Red Rose of England

RUGBY StoriesI've made a promise that I intend to keep, at least for the time being. My observations are dispassionate as opposed to invective, although I cannot limit myself tp a signed 'non abusive' treaty.
My first venture into the new year will be my honest- to -goodness evaluation of the England side as an impartial but somewhat erudite rugby impresario.
My observations will have nothing to do with Martin Johnson or Rob Andrew or the summer and fall disasters.
The motif behind this particular report is seige mentality.
There can be no doubt that the England pool of players have the bigger and stronger and , probably, the faster and better conditioned players than Ireland, Scotland and Wales.
My analysis is based upon the Guinness Premiership and to a certain extent the Heineken Cup.
It is also difficult, as I stated before to separate the players on each team as a collective English side, because there are so many players of different nationalities on the field at the same time.
Here is what I have seen.
The English attack at the defensive and offensive breakdown is what I will refer to as 'seige mentality'.
This style , if you will allow, is not what it appears. It does not in the end separate the men from the boys as one would recollect in the SH tests for example. The players in mass appear to stumble over one another in something akin to team mayhem in an attempt to preserve the ball properly for the backs or phase rugby , or even when disrupting the opponent's ball.
I find that this tactic is simply at this time a reinvention of what the English did so well for such a long time. That being the driving or rolling maul. It wasn't pretty but it was effective.
Having said that, have a fair look at a match and make the determination for yourself.
It isn't clever rugby. It isn't useful rugby. It isn't even thugby. It is panamonium.
Time and time again I have heard the announcers repeat the phrase that goes something like' there is no form, there is no rhythm, no structure.'
I can see that for myself.
It isn't really fair to bring the All Blacks into this assessment but I am going to because they do two distinct things that the English cannot seem to manage with all their brute strength. It doesn't take athleticism to clear the path of the ball effectively without intoducing stop signs at a five way intersection. It can be done since we are now talking about a two way street, in rugby theory.
Players can come to the breakdown at pace and hit the ruck or even a player in the maul with intent to accomplish a predesigned result. This can be taught and most certainly learned ;otherwise the All Blacks would not be admired for this very same technique.
But to accomplish this basic, even fundamental necessity, each player must present the ball at the right time, naturally and in some similar fashion, or at least in a familiar way. There is a moment in rugby time to stop and present. It is not that easy but it should be at the level we are talking about.
It isn't enough to know how to kill the ball. The important learning advantage of killing is surviving.
Watch how inept the English players are at presenting the ball. It is in an inverse proportion to their stifling the ball.
I must ask myself upon further observation which comes first, the chicken or the egg.
My suggestion is that once the English realize how poorly they utilize clean ball, they will realize how much improved their ball handling skills become.
I have come to think that it is a psychological block.....perhaps even resembling their innate notion of democracy....collectively or individually, which will it be?
This is too much for even me.
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The New Year

RUGBY StoriesI thought I would start out the new year being a little more careful about what I write rather than just plow into every random thought that comes into my head.

What I have been thinking about is the 6N. I know that it may not be the most meaningful series but for many of us it beats everything but the 3N and maybe the Heineken Cup, and that, for me, includes the meaningless Rugby World Cup.

I don't believe one has to watch every Magners League or Guinness Permiership or T14 match to get a handle on the competition.

Why?

For example, when one watches the Guinness Premiership, it is impossible to make selections on individual players because all the sides have so many foreigners, if you will forgive me on that slur.

It isn't hard to decipher a 'style' ,but just how good a player is, when he is clustered amongst three South Africans, two Kiwis, one Samoan, an Italian, and an Australian coach, just how obvious can a players expertise be when it comes to test selection.
Afterall, rugby is not yet at the professional football level and hopefully that condition of professionalism won't muck up the works as it has in that sport.

I'll continue later with my observations country-wise later but I do promise to spend more time on focus and clarity and syntax and grammar. I am not certain that I can always keep the promise but at the very least I will try to review my thoughts before putting them to paper.
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Miffentoff's Dubious Rugby Awards 2008

RUGBY StoriesHonorable Mention

In America, in Chicago, Illinois at a post match collegiate rugby match, two rugby players were attempting sexual intercourse in one of the bedrooms of the party house.
It was told to medical authorities afterward that both were highly intoxicated and grabbed a can of lighter fluid accidentally, thinking it was some 'lubricant'. When their sexual orgams began to burn from the lighter fluid, one of the participants lit a match to see what was happening. When they realized that it was indeed lighter fluid, it was too late. Both sexual organs burst into flames and the other participant grabbed a glass of the house punch ,consisting of 100 proof grain alcohol and kool aid concoction know as the Scrummager, and threw it on their bodies to douse the flames. Unfortunately the bed ignited along with their bodies and the house burned down. The two survived but may not have sex for some time to come. No other injuries were reported but the rugby teams have been banned from the college campus.
The outcome of the rugby match was a draw.
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What can I Talk About?

RUGBY StoriesI'm not to keen on the matches for the weekend so their out.
The salary of Danny Cipriani is absurd so that is out.
That ridiculous Australian Eddie Jones of Saracens is not worth more than this sentence.
I don't really have much to talk about.
Oh I suppose the flyhalf positioning of England is interesting.
But I find the Irish flyhalf position more interesting.
Afterall, who really can fill Ronan O'Gara's shoes.
The Irish have never overcome the genetic flaw of playing one player in one position for so long that when he is injured or finished, they have nobody to select. And so the process goes on and on.
Actually it is the whole backline.
D'Arcy and Horgan are back and they will most probably play in the 6N.
BOD is not the player he once was yet he will not be replaced or rested.
But back to flyhalf.
The two that are touted are Jonny Sexton and Ian Humphreys.
Neuther one of them has half the class of O'Gara and that is based on those who think that O'Gara has class. I am not one of those.
ROG is good allright but he isn't and never will be near the level of Carter or Giteau or Jonny Wilkinson.
I have this dreadful feeling that ROG is going to succumb to the pressure this year and force Declan Kidney's hand.
I mean, if you reallly want an opinion, Peter Stringer is still the best scrumhalf Ireland has to offer up.
Think it over.
Ireland , because of their traditional genetic selection flaws, will be lucky not to finish near the bottom of the 6N if they continue not to bleed or find new talent.
There is a guy playing for Connaught, I think, by the name of Keatley. Watch out for him.
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My 2008 All World Team

RUGBY Stories15. Mils Muliaina.....nobody even close
14. Lote Tuquiri.....no questions asked
11. Sivivatu....he doesn't need a first name
13. Conrad Smith......an obivious choice
12. Ma'a Nonu.....you'd have to be crazy not to select him
10 Dan Carter.....you'd have to be crazier to even suggest anybody else
9. Jimi Cowan.....you don't win grand slams without an accurate scrumhalf
8. Rodney So'ialo ...you don't win grand slams without a a spinal eight
7. McCaw......requires little thought
6. George Smith....I'd take him over Kaino in a close duel
5. Nathan Sharp.....I had to think about it
4. Victor Matfield....he was a little off his game but his leadership makes a difference
3. John Afoa....I don't care what anybody else thinks
2. Kevin Mealamu....I don't care """"""
1. Tony Woodcock...I don't care"""""""

Coach: Robbie Deans
Assistant Coach: Jim Williams
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What I Want For 2009

RUGBY StoriesFor the first time in a long while I find myself on holiday and not eating, drinking and breathing rugby. I have a little time to reflect on some of the rugby stuff out there and it just isn't possible to stray very far away from the norm.
I suppose the following thoughts are about as well thought out as much of my stuff. In other words, not much at all.
I hope that Italy can win the 6N.
I hope that rugby will just put guys like Eddie Jones, Ian McGeechan, Jake White, Ewen McKenzie and all the rest of the recycled coaches in some other jobs than coaches or managers..
I hope that Martin Johnson learns more about rugby than he thinks he knows now.
I hope that the IRB is dismantled and another organization takes over.
I hope that there is a salary cap on players and that players can't just travel from country to country earning a paycheck at the expense of homegrown talent.
I hope that the USA and Canada enter teams in the NH competitions which allows them the opportunity to showcase some worthy players.
I hope that all Australian influence fades away.
I hope that France can rekindle champagne rugby.
I hope that Georgia, Russia, Portugal, Spain and Romania keep getting better and better.
I hope that Argentina gets an opportunity to play in the 3N or the 6N or somehwhere.
I hope that South Africa finally implodes and that the British Lions have to cancel their tour and the British Lions and Ireland as an institution cease to exist anymore.
I hope that some logically puts some new laws in that everybody can enhance their play.
I hope that Dan Carter has a great influence on rugby in France.
I hope that Munster, Stade Francais, Toulouse or Wasps don't win the Heineken Cup.
I really hope that I can come up with some good and interesting stuff that proves that it isn't who you know but what you know.
I really really hope that Rob Andrew quits for obvious reasons that I won't delve into again and again.
I hope that Eddie O'Sullivan does not find a job for another year or so just to let him know that rugby goes on even if he doesn't.
Ditto for Jake White.
I hope that I can write many articles in collaboration with the brilliant rugby man Karl Miffentoff who has had his share of troubles the past year.
I hope that Karl and I can get rip roaring drunk and create some of the good stuff we did many years ago when he was my Behaviorial Science Professor.
And I wish all of you your rugby dreams in 09 and not to be deceived by the propaganda that you read in the traditional websites.
I most of all wish that you can make a living betting on rugby games and listening to my touts.
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My Plausible Explanation for Adam Thomson

RUGBY StoriesEven if it not anybody's business, especially mine, somebody like myself needs to come up with some sort of defense for this behaviour and here is mine.
So the fellow is deeply in love.
He goes off to the UK to tour with the All Blacks.
Right.
He comes back and his love is a little unsure of just how she feels.
Naturaly being a professional rugby player , he wants some sort of answer now, before he is driven out of his mind, especially during the holidays.
It's not good news and he continues pressing her for some sort of answer.
He is crazy in jealousy.
There is no compassion.
One last time he presses her for some answer.
Now he has become a nuisance and his protestations are so vigorous she calls the cops.
It's a simple explanation around this time of year.
It happened to me.
This would be forgiveable.
I hope it is the truth.
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The Lost Weekend

RUGBY StoriesNow that last weekend is over, this weekend, in the world of rugby as must know and love, is about as predictable as the return of Jonny Wilkinson.
There isn't much going.
If you were in the mood for Welsh rugby, the Dragons/Ospreys match will tell you about as much about nothing as you want to know.
If you select the Guinness Premiership, it certainly was a step up watching Bath/Sale.
I still reserve the right to say that 2009 belongs to the French and English with the other minorties dragging ass.
The high hopes for the Scots is IMHO a waste of time.
The creative edge of the Welsh and the depth of the Irish is pure speculation.
Not only is this weekend lost but I think the 6N is too.
There just doesn't seem to be any form in any of the European sides.
Of course, that is my looking through the rugby scenery through rose coloured glasses.
I keep hoping that Italy and France will make themselves heard but thus far, nothing.
So as far as the weekend of betting goes. I am simply not poised enough to do anything but sit around and watch my least favourite teams do nothing as I imbibe the ritualistic Christmas tidings.
When Adam Thomson and Sebastien Chabal are the headliners, rugby is in a real pickle.

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Father Christmas Gives Rugby Awards

RUGBY Stories"When the voice of Father Christmas came echoing down the halls
Singing 'What would you like for Christmas?',
The IRB shouted 'Balls!!!!'

TO:
Bernard Lapasset: Another Swiss Checking Account
Philipe St. Andre: A New Home in France
Martin Johnson: Less Testosterone Shots
Rob Andrew: More Testosterone Shots
Danny Cipriani: A Full Size Inflattable Martin Johnson Doll
Steve Borthwick: A new set of balls
Warren Gatland: Another Cross to bear
Declan Kidney: New Rosary Beads
Matt Williams: Another polygraph test
Frank Hadden: Prayers
Mark Livremont: Some fierce critics and new selectors
Dan Carter: Two new Swiss bank accounts
Adam Thomson: A great lawyer
Ewen Mckenzie: A weight loss program that involves him doing some running.
Jake White: Somebody to love
Eddie Jones: Jake White
Ian McGeechan: The Fountain of Youth

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All Blacks in the Dock

RUGBY StoriesI guess it all started off with Keith Murdoch in 1978 followed up by the antics of Richard Loe into the realm of Chris Masoe onto the carhopping of Doug Howlett over to the alcohol binges of Jimmy Cowan and finally now into the female assault fracas of wooly mammoth flanker Adam Thomson.
Are you thinking the same thing that I am?
I forgot about New Zealand referee Steve 'Alcohol Breath and the Mouth' Walsh.